what summer? a summer full of school,clinical’s, no sleep, with no time for myself. the only good thing to come out of this summer so far is spending time with Bugs. its nice to come home and see him there or see him after his class. I’m taking this as a good bonding experience :) i think because of this our relationship is getting better and growing stronger. is comforting. the only problem now is the change when he gets his own house and we are back to the way it was before these two weeks. which is…sharing him with his teammates who he see’s everyday anyways. i might sound selfish for getting jealous over his friends but I’ve had to share them for three years of our relationship - and majority of that time they were sometimes put before me..but A LOT of things have changed within this past year. things have gotten better! and i feel he’s finally “put my love on top”. This past week has been the best week of our relationship and i can’t wait what will happen in the last week :) although we see and stay together everyday anyways, these two weeks are different. its been real and I’ve enjoyed it so much <3 

no matter how hard i try to get away from them no matter how hard i try to ignore them they manage to pop back up in our lives. i now fully understand what they mean when they say small school. when i see them my stomach turns into knots. i’ve seriously had it with them. knowing they want you knowing they are attracted you hurts me inside and the fact that there is a list of them and they are everywhere its ridiculous. from being in the same school to being in a completely different country! its ridiculous. these home wreckers can try and break us apart but what we have is stronger than that. this is part of dating someone on an athletic team. so screw them. i’m waiting for the day when my patients will run out and i explode on them. there are other guys out there who are available so find one of them. 

today is such a beautiful day! it is started to feel like spring :) too bad it won’t last for long :/ 

WARNING! here it comes…watch out the claws are coming out and the emotions are building up! say the wrong thing to me and i may just a) blow up in your face or b) have an emotional break down..are you willing to risk either of the two? 

no offense to anyone, i may be in a bad/emotional mood give me a week and i’ll act like nothing is wrong with me :) just know that at this moment in time..this week…i am not thinking like myself. 

I’m sorry for my boyfriend who will be taking the hardest hit than all of you. good luck to you bugaboo! <3 u.

one of the best breaks i have had. every day full of fun :) spending time with friends and family! just what i needed before 3 weeks of hell. too bad it was so short :( 

i realized how much enjoy myself with him. all stupid moments we have that makes me smile…i can really see the changes this time around. its for real. every time i think of how things are now puts a big smile on my face and feeling of comfort. i feel less fear and more happiness. you have really proven yourself :) thank you for everything you have done, i know i don’t give you enough credit for everything you do to make sure i am happy…but trust me things will change on my part 

ohhhhh happy days :) 

happy happy easter all. 

the change i’m looking for has to start with me first. there are things i want to see change but why I’m not seeing them is because i am stopping myself from letting the changes that have already happened live to its fullest potential. 

“i am my worse enemy”. 

why did you have to go? will you please come back to me! i miss you so much.. :( your dad had his time with you, making you work and whatever, so now come back home! i didn’t like drinking last night without you.. i had no one to cuddle with when i went to bed and i didnt have a had to hold when i was feeling tired and alone :/ so please do me a huge favor and come back home to me :D thank you that is greatly appreciated! 

so i got my grades back for pathophys class. at first i didn’t even know that it was posted online already. i remember him saying that hew would try and post it by the end of the week but id didnt know it was going to be so son. anyways, my friend had texted me asking what i got the on the test, while i was at dinner. i told her i didnt know because well i didnt even know they were posted and i wasn’t home. i was too scared to check on my phone because that would have just ruined my dinner. but when we got home i decided to check it, my friend was on my computer so i just used my phone. i was sweating so much and if felt like i was going to be sick. 

my friend had told me that, she had gotten a 70 which meant she failed.  thought i was going to do worse than her which made me even more scared to check my grade! because the night before the test she was studying so much. she actually studied all day saturday and sunday for this test, while me on the other hand only studied all day sunday. anyways, that sunday night when i had questions i would ask her about them and she always seemed as if she knew a lot of the material. so when she said she didnt pass i knew that i wasn’t going to do well. 

so….first i checked my email because i know if i didnt do well on the text i would have gotten and email from the professor about meeting with him because of how bad my grade was.  i didnt get an email, but i was so convinced that i was going to later on he just hasn’t sent it out. but i did get an email talking about how the grading system went so it was out of 14.5 and if you got a 12 you got an 85. 

so i finally had the balls to check and it said i got a 11.90!!! i was in shock. i stared at that number for a while trying to wrap by head around what had just happened. i passed.. i can’t believe it but i did! about 10% above the minimum! ahh i am so excited. i have never felt this happy about a test grade in so low! and it feels amazing. 

this has motivated me to do well on the rest of my tests! i am determined! 

i just wanted to say its pretty cool too say that i’m friends with an MLS player…Ryan Kawulok a former U of P soccer player, was just signed to the Portland Timbers this morning and made his first MLS goal at tonights game against the Chivas USA! he is Richy’s housemate and good friend lol not many people say “I’ve drove home a Portland Timbers MLS player back to his house after a Blazers game” haha well i can say and am proud to say that! i know the Timbers aren’t that well known now but i know they will make their mark. as for Ryan he will go far and i am glad to say that i know him and he knows me :D 

i just wanted to take this time to give thanks for everything God has blessed me with. i know that i have had my rough times this year, God has really put my to the test. he gave me a large plate of reality. made me open my eyes to not only my personal life but also my life in school. although things have changed a lot in my life i feel like it was for the best. i’ve never been happier. school is perfect right now, i am stressed but not overly stressed.. its still challenging however, i don’t feel the stress of competition within my household to get the better grade. for once i am more focused on myself. i don’t feel stupid or degraded. its just me. i use to like having class with my friends but we are all very competitive and we all learn in different ways and at different paces. now i feel like i can focus on me…i see them and how stressed they are and how they are struggling..i feel like if i was still with them i would be just as stressed maybe more. i would be more cranky thats for sure. 

because of how school is now, i feel as though i am happier and less moody. which has been a plus in my personal life. it has given me more time to spend with the boy i love. not only have him and i grown a lot this year as persons but our relationship has gotten even stronger. i know i’ve had plenty of moments where if i was a guy i wouldn’t want to be with me. however, with him it just makes us even stronger. we talk and work through it. everyday, every freak out (mine), every argument that i start, just makes me more confident that our relationship is solid as a rock. yes we may have fought more than i hoped to but in the end it reassured me that he will do anything and put up with anything. if he can accept me and love me at my worst he can accept and love me at my best :) i don’t give him enough credit, but he has put up with so much from me…i think we are about even lol and even though i can be stubborn and hard headed myself, he deals with me..he is patient with me and understanding. he lets me go on my rants and waits for me to calm down and he just reasons me out and i see how stupid i was to begin with. long ago he promised me changes and he has..i don’t give it enough recognition but he has changed..after this weekend and our talk we had, it really has made me more confident in our relationship and make our trust even stronger. i’m making progress with my insecurities and jealousy..not wanting to jinx it or anything but its gotten better.

the past is the past the future is the future, I’m learning to live in the moment and accept the things as they are. things happen in life for a reason, its our job to reason them out.